My days run together, my weeks run together. I have too much on my plate. I fall behind. I am only now sleeping more normally after yet another PTSD-triggered bout of insomnia after the Florida school shooting. Various niggling household finance issues plague me expensively. So I fear to even modestly celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary with a dinner out and a two day escape to hike beaches in Oregon while my three sons hold down the household fort for me. Or so I tell myself…
Day 16, on the 21st my “wearable” draw card was the 4 of Cups -Lady of Blended Pleasure. Color me confused, that day I was blending a lot of things, almost none of them “pleasurable.” (The necklace in question was one of my making using leftover freshwater pearls of several types — bits and pieces from making several necklaces for other people. Literally a blend of pleasures.). So, feeling pressured and like I might be missing some vital point, I asked my card layout, using my Minoan deck by Laura Perry, whether I needed to bow to anxiety and financial pressures or fight for some life pleasures instead of forcing a sort of personal “austerity zone” on myself and family.
That Minoan deck is so subtle and lovely to look at, but in meaning as brutal as my old Barbara Walker deck: it told me I was being a frightened child, letting old memories of tragic trauma and deprivation rule my current life. Yes, there were challenges and many demands, but nothing in my life is actually falling apart, so buck the fuck UP. I can call upon the cooperation and aid of other family members instead of falling on my sword(s) in self-pity. Also, just a by the by thing? “Judgement” in this deck looks rather like a giant dick.
Do you suppose that means “Prepare to be fucked!” In this case, the card was reversed and its position suggested I stop making myself a fucking martyr and try to find some enjoyment in life like normal people do.
The 22nd of February I skipped the Wear the Tarot Project entirely. Something about 222 doesn’t work for me sometimes.
Today I drew the King of Pentacles to wear. This is a favorite and underworn piece of mine because I love blending metals and am especially fond of copper. It is a “Viking knit” necklace made by a friend in New Zealand and a pendant I bought from Longship Trade Goods. Since today’s question for my card spread was literally “How do I calm the fuck DOWN?” – this was a nice draw because it fronted me with my own money-related fears. Also, it reminds me that for a good deal of my marriage I have been resentfully dependent on my husband to be the “king of money” because he always earned much more. So right to the damned crux of my personal mental uproar….yikes.
The cards, again the Minoan deck, told me I needed to move forward out of memory and anxiety and consider that children DO have an unfettered sense of freedom that I somehow lost. The “deep” question ignored was the #15 (Devil in most decks) MINOTAUR in this no-Christian-images deck! As some of you know, Minotaur is my husband’s nickname from me: a somewhat passively aggressive bellicose man damaged and lost in his own PTSD-crafted mental Labyrinth every since I’ve known him. This card suggests, as ever, that it involves fears.
I fear my husband. How naked is that? I fear his ability to hurt me, deceive me, deny me, ignore me, wound me more than the last 40 years has already done. And how hurtful that would be to him, because the cards remind me he is striving to be the romantic King of Rhytons(Cups) in our marriage now and is trying to break those old bad habits.
The 4 of coins/horns insisted I worry less over spending or saving money and more on how it serves my life. Cards suggested I should draw away from my own too often role as the Queen of Swords and try on the crown of the Queen of Cups. The “manifestation” card was The Fool – telling me a new self discovery awaits me if I have the courage to move forward.
This deck has four extra cards labeled “Priest” and “Priestess” for each of the four elemental suits. I am trying to use them — have had them come up in readings the last two days and I really want to pull them out and toss them in the trash. It feels like they detract from the usual king/queen face cards. But I want to make myself experiment a bit more; after all, ambivalence over Perry’s assigned meanings to king/queen still dog my mental heels as well. To one of the queens she assigns the caveat “I emote” and to one of the kings, “I react” which pisses me the fuck off even though she insists the cards are not gender specific. The priest/priestess cards are simply another dimension of sexist stereotypes for me.
I remind myself maybe I am still roaming in the haunted shadows of my own psychology. The “feelings of querent” card being the Priest of daggers reversed said exactly that. So, I will have to work some more on personal issues before shredding tarot cards! This little project IS bearing fruit. I am becoming re-familiarized with my favorite card spread and digging out all sorts of nasty personal issues that have been growing in the dark like poisonous toadstools in the recent years of increased stress and challenge during a time of emotional abandonment and loneliness.
Of course, this is all about as much fun as getting teeth pulled without pain killers. But it is necessary work: tarot cards for me hold up a mirror I MUST look at to find out who and what I am and what I will become.